who should i love??

idk what my prob is...

m i really in love??

the person whom i'd been looking for had been right under my nose all these years...why am i hesitatating to love him all my heart?? he's obsessed with me...he'd do ANYTHING fro me..or maybe i dislike him because of his insecurities??? he's too afraid i'd turn on him...i am always fed up wen he does that,but he never gives up...which is good because i do have the tendency to do so..

WAAAAA>>>*col* why is it that hard for me to discipline myself??? maybe i need to ensure my 5 prayers are completed daily.

(n now my mind is procrastinating,thinking that i should start doing that tomorrow subuh,whereas i can go to surau this maghrib or solat asar AT THIS MOMENT!!!)

see, how my mind is very much influenced by my nafsu...

ok, back to the love problem, i'm finding it hard to stay loyal to him because by choosing him, i have to let go of the life i'd been building and the social network i'd been having all these times...

i am just unwilling to lose some to gain a so-called 'great true unconditional love'

hurm, on the same time, i'd been loving this one guy even before my boyfriend even entered my life, but he's the type of person who doesnt appreciate ladies, especially to me...he seems very close to a junior, and until now, i'm still very jealous,and i know it's not good for any relationship...

i'd been trying to get him to appreciate me like other guys in my life, but he won the battle..too bad. we lived faar far apart and that's another reason i dont believe in having a relationship with him although he did ask for it several times before..if he couldn't appreciate me, treat me sweetly, going out on dates in public,without being scared to lose his crew,i would've long ago accepted his 'love'..but i know it aint true,so i had to wait....

i totally forgot about him as school ends for so many months...

i entered the university and i tell u, those days are THE ONLY happy moments of me and my boyfriend...without any feeling for other guys...

then he texted me he's going to the same place i'm goin, and then, i started seeing him daily,and evrything went back to square one...i'm crazy about him again...

we were even in the same orientation group, and his leadership and calmness and all other qualities he possesses rally hypnotised me...he's the type of person who knows and does everything that he knows is best for him...he always get high results and is very appealing and favoured by everyone who knows him, and those qualities i really admire!!!!

it's just hard to admire his qualities and not loving him at the same time...

about my boyfriend, i'd never attended the same school as him and he's very secretive and a bad story teller and when i ask him questions, he wont be able to give me the right answer,all he ever knows is HE LOVES ME, HE DEVOURS ME, HE"S OBSESSED WITH ME, HE cANt lIVE WITHOUT ME...

and in order to attract my minat, i must always see his good qualities and see others reaction and others' likeness towards him too...so, in my case, i only see everything from his POV...

maybe that contributes to why i am not obsessed with him...

but one question lingers in my mind...do i still love my crush cuz i hadn't had him, or becuz i really love him???

what should i do now?? should i divide my love into two or should i take the risk to lose my life and become this stupid girl

(not really,tho. others see it as being very playing-hard-to-get) (plus, im saying its stupid cuz i REALLY HAVE to LOSE my life in order to gain love?? i dont believe in such a thing)

who sacrifices her life fro her 'hubby' and stay at home,being idle,doing all chores...i HATE THAT!!!

and i;m not expecting that in my future....

i FUCKING HATE AND AT RAGE NOW THINKING MY LOSS...even now i'm not giving up on him...