i won't hurt YOU anymore ever again!

I repeated it for a long time. I made you sad for a long time.
I must have hurt you. Now I still cannot move.
Why is it so painful to touch you?
I think it is because I was afraid of making the same mistake and losing you.

I tried to recover the unforgettable days to stay close to each other.
You hold my hand without asking anything.

Even if you don't love me tomorrow, I must love you as I do now.
Even if you don't see me tomorrow, I must love you as I do now.
I will walk together, the future not promised
It keeps walking together, to the future in which you are…

I love you so much that I forget any suffering.
My heart feels pain every time I count the days we cannot meet.

The loneliness is piling up. Please don’t cry alone.
Even if we are so far away, we can believe each other.

I wish to smile as it is. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.
I don't want to repeat such feelings, which have kept fading each time.
Even if you don't love me tomorrow, I must love you as I do now.
Even if you don't see me tomorrow, I must love you as I do now.
Please, only look at me. Please, don’t let our hands separate.
I will walk together, the future not promised
It keeps walking together, to the future in which you are…

-Cassis by the Gazette_

today was HELL

i was going out to Mid valley this afternoon..
everything went off fine..
you can say today is one of the best dates ever...
he even bought me a new necklace...this feeling was amazing n mesmerizing..
other than the Times Square Christmas season '09..


so, around 6:30 p.m (i was supposed to be home right afterwards cause my sisters were expecting me) after dropping me off at the train station so i can get the taxi home...
his train showed up...we took a few photos, my phone battery was uberlow, and said goodbye..

and, in the taxi,he text me, telling that my handbag and and purse are left in his bag..
luckily, DAMN LUCKILY, all my important cards-ATM,ID,and money are with me..
he told me he'd be waiting in the other station, and just a second after that, my handphone battery was FUCKING off..
so, i told the taxi driver to drop me back to the train station..and paid him double..

as soon as i bought the train ticket, i waited like forever for the next train..then i thought..
"what if he just keeps it,and i would call him to suggest that."

so, i got out and called him by the payphone..i explained to him and he told me he left the station cuz he, also, waited like hell..

then he cut off the phone call and i called him back. Upset, he told me in the tone so I would GET HOME NOW. cuz my sister just called him and scolded him because she was too worried..I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN. THINGS WOULD DEFINITELY GO TOO BAD THAT I'D BE FUCKING SCOLDED BY THEM (the thing I MOTHERFUCKING hated most)

so i took another cab home, and on the way i saw sister#2 in her car looking for me at the train station, and the worst part of it, I can't reach her. My phone's dead!!!

In the taxi, the driver knew my situation and advised me about how to handle the situation. his name was Aman Shah i think. As i reached home, i grabbed for the $10 in my pocket to pay him, but guess what, IT WAS TORN INTO HALF!! literally! again, FUCKING LUCKILY me, he would accept the torn paper money and that was the END of my HELLISH day!!!

Alhamdulillah!

Hurray!!!

Thank you Allah for giving me such an extremely caring and loving boyfriend and family..

my first day of holiday, on my way back home by the train, i as on a date with my boyfriend..it was so much fun, i had never felt so close to him, he didn't doubt me at all on that day..

that was the happiest day...i even brought together my plant and it did get me some attention..hehe

u see, after i got my mental ready and asked him for a break up, i was very2 prepared to start flirting again and making some new boy friends.. cuz i wasn't really allowed to befriend boys..no, not here..

its kind of a pain because each day we talk about 4 to 5 times daily..if he was working..if he wasn't, maybe we couldn't even stop..I couldn't even stop talking, or he would think that i don't love him..and each time we chat, he would definitely, all these three years together never forget to say how much he loves me and didn't want me to leave him and can't live without me..drastic, i know..but you can't take him for granted..he does what he says..so, back to the main story...

each day every time we chat, i would have to tell him that I love him even when i don't really feel like it, and tell him that i would never leave him when i know i would.. and I am not the type of person who feels good after telling a lie, esp to the one who rely and 'trusts' me most...

but after i asked for the break up, and he got back to me and i accepted him,(i didn't tell him the real reason for breaking up was my love wasn't that strong anymore)..i started to really love him and even got butterflies in my stomach when we dated again, just like good old times..I AM SO DAMN HAPPY THAT I WAS ABLE TO LOVE HIM AGAIN, JUST LIKE GOOD OLD TIMES. =)

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problems again

im sooo Hungry!!!
i want to make mushroom soup...wait ar!!

ok..
so, my numerous problem includes this one...LAZINESS!!!

Being the last child in the family, I am born to be lazy...
as a student, i ain't supposed to do so...

i can't study after going back from school...
hunger stops all my activity...
i am lazy..

i am so not an action person..
i am home-bounded...

i envy the girlfriends who are very active and gets involved in so many extra curricular activities...
i wish to start new life and start off first by jogging every evening..
but then, only now it starts raining every evening... plus, when i get the chance, i am shy to do it, even basketball or w/e..my only active girlfriend is playing futsal. i can't play it, not in public..
another obstacle is that i always have to cover my chest every time i jog...sometimes it hurts as they move along..
plus, my bestest friends here are all slim and don't need the exercise, so, i lack supports...

i also want to be involved in NGO activities.like my friend, she is always joining sth, evan my niece is in Rakan Muda...I guess maybe i got out too much,so i just lost the keen of going out...i'm becoming more and more less social and home-bounded since i was in relationship with this great guy...

^_^ but, i am happy because tomorrow, i am going to the Aussie Education Fair in KLCC...it's been like forever since i'd gone out on such activities. so, i am so not surprised if tomorrow i wake up and don't feel like going...

THAT'S MY PROBLEM!!! I NEVER HAVE EFFORT TO PUT MY ALL INTO ANYTHING AT ALL IN THIS WORLD, NOR CAN I STAND ON MY OWN TWO FEET TO DO THINGS WITHOUT NEEDING SOMEONE TO BACK ME UP. I DON'T HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO DO ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD, I WOULD RATHER LIE DOWN AND SLEEP,WATCHING tv, LISTENING TO NOISES INSTEAD OF GOING AROUND THE PLACE, EXPLORING IT, LEARNING STH.I ONLY WANT TO EAT,REST,ENJOY THE CONDITION. I HAVE REALLY INTERNALIZE PROCRASTINATION,LAZINESS,STUPIDITY,DISCOURAGEMENT,DEPENDENCE IN ME!!!

so, my goal now is to slowly start making my own move on my two feet!

Forbidden Love

My boyfriend and I had been together for 3 years now..
He is everything that I or any other girl wanted..
PERFECT!!!
He's good looking, super kind, super caring, calls me daily, loves me to an extent he almost committed suicide (my love isn't bothered by that), never forget to tell me he loves me even for a second..
any girl would have really go crazy for him.

He's too perfect to describe..
He never says No to any of my request, and is not really a social guy, especially among the girls..

All my boy friends are into flirting around and doesn't have that responsibility and the independence from their peer.
Bear(i shall call him Bear) is very different from them..

as I kept repeating on and on again, he's THE PERFECT GUY for Salmon(I shall call myself Salmon)
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I had a crush for this one (other) guy since 3 years ago, a bit longer than the time I was in love with Bear.
He scored ZERO in my list of ideal boyfriend, yet I'm so attached to him.
I admire his superiority and his intelligence and determination in getting something.
I just love him.
He's a total opposite of Bear. Most obvious is that, he's very social with the girls and the girls often talk about him.
the problem is, my thumping heart feels like exploding each time i hear the girls talk about that Forward (i suppose this is his name) guy.

I thought I had finally be able to forget him and move on with Bear. But one day, he text me saying we were going to the same college..
____________**_________________**________________________**_______________________________**_______________________**

Here, now, i see him daily, and the effort that I made to forget him was to no avail. all of a sudden, my feeling for him grows stronger and my jealousy heightens when my own bestfriend (Mango) who always thinks that every guy who comes close to her or who plays around, or maybe just simply said hello to her as her admirer..that is a super problem..worst is, she could approach them.

So, the other day, Forward came into the college mini store to get the fresh air with some of our boy friends. Mango was there. and unfortunately, Mango thought that Forward was approaching her..
As her best friend, I listened to her excitements, each and every one of them and gave + response all the time..
when Mango told me about Forward, my mind was really perturbed.

I had to forget him.. I JUST KNOW THAT I HAVE TO FORGET MY LOVE AND PASSION TOWARDS HIM, I just don't know how or should I even try to forget him??

Idk...i'm just too confused, and lost